Pressures of having fans

Its been a good initiation into the blogging world for me. I say this not just on the basis of a feeling i have, but on the basis of hard facts. I have also taken the pains to do some number crunching-munching here. Here are the facts
1st post - 14th June
Increase in readers (%age) - 400%
Increase in fans (%age) - 200% (accommodating for those to shy to declare themselves a fan here)
Conversion from readers to fans (%age) - 50%
In the wake of such staggering statistics (which closely rival those of a certain Dead-weird Cull-them mwhahaha... whose popularity is waning into the 'twilight') I felt the need to get into shape. I have long maintained that round being a shape was good enough for me, but hey... I didn't have this kind of fan following then...

So i stood facing the mirror.. did i really need to get into shape? My shoulders.. well nice and broad... Arms.. Well, flabby a bit, but ok.. Abs... Well, let me see... Seem 6-pack... Or is that No. 7 & 8 i count there? 6-pack? 8-pack? Who am i kidding? Its more a family pack than anything else.. So, it was necessary to work out.. surely. But then, i write.. I don't pose topless on any of my blogs, and I have (been forced to adopt) strict policies about meeting fans as well. But then, there are the pressures associated with having fans, so I decided maybe it is time i visit the office gym. I made enquiries from others in the office, and went after office hours one day. I was told that the gym instructor's name was Amol.

I pulled in my tummy as far as it would go and nearly breathless, walked in nervously, changed and looked for Amol.. There is something about the name Amol that makes you visualize a short, frail chap. I avoided all the girls in the gym, went to a guy doing some serious weights, pointed at the machine and asked him "Who is Amol here" That was my way of conveying to the babes that i wasn't new here, and that i was very much the gym freak... with rock hard abs... Mr. Hercules was confused about me pointing at the machine, and gasped "There.. Green T shirt" pointing over my shoulder. I turned. "Oh my God!" (much like Janice)... A-mole? This guy is bigger than most hills you'd come across in Mumbai! He was more of A-mountain than Amole.. He was probably a small made kid; and his gym instructor made A-mountain of A-mole hill.... hehehe

I decided i should hang around, watch the others... Most were using the machines, some were streching, others doing all kinds of contortions. This one guy was looking at the cieling... He seemed unhappy with the place he was at. He finally aligned himself exactly under an AC vent and i swear to God, he targetted the AC vent which was some 15 ft above him, and started kicking ferociously. I am not sure what he was trying, but at first look, it seemed like he wanted his leg to rip off and go through the vent! 'Some sick-ass gory version of rugby prolly'
I saw Amol at a distance, and i walked toward him.. Keeping a safe distance from the Foot-in-AC-Vent guy. I surely didnt want to be the guy his leg lands on, when it does rip off.

"Hi"
"Arre hi.. bol na.. kaisa hai" a eagerly friendly tone in his voice.
Wow, i must be popular!
"You know me..." my face assuming a quite arrogant look.
"Nahi re.. Kyu?"
Damn....
"Arre nahi.. i wanted to join aaj se.. I'm Vinod"
Now suddenly all serious...
"Vinod, regular sports khelte ho?"
Yes, only EA Sports... Hehe
"Nahi"
"Regular fitness ka kuch hai?"
"No..."
"Kabhi gym gaye ho?"
"Merko dekhke kya lagta hain??"
"Hehe.. Arre nahi re.. Acha Vinod, ek kaam kar le... 6 ke speed pe 5 min walk karke 10 ke speed pe 10 mins jog kar le"

Those were the longest 15 mins in my life... I was off after 5.5 minutes.. Just to be pushed back on by my good pal Amol, yelling, "AAJ FIRST DAY PE LAGEGA TIRED..." There go all the impressed girls.

The next day i learnt a lot about my body. I realized that ab muscles did come to use each time my hand moves and that yawning can be baaa..haaad for worked out biceps....

Much of this is cooked up (Ladies - especially about my abs not being in shape)... But I am unable to come up with anything else today.. and yes, pressured as I am by my fans, i need to keep the posts coming. Fact is I have been going to my office gym infrequently for some time now... But one look at me, and you'll realize that i dont get much working out done there.

Blood Donation...

Its been some days since i put up a post and my 'Only Fan' was quick to point that out to me. Now, no one wants to disappoint a fan, more so if you have only one.

My company had a blood donation drive recently. And my 'paap ka ghada' filling quickly was reason enough to convince me. Plus it was for kids suffering from Thalassemia. The first day of the drive was encouraging, but i was busy with a client meeting so wasn't able to go. Few colleagues did go, and some had some interesting stories to share.

Now let me be honest... I have never donated anything that my body produces.. and so, I may have been just a little (teeny weeny bit) nervous about this whole exercise. I entered the hall where the drive was going on. I filled out the forms and was told to meet a Mr. X-kar (i don't remember the first part of that.. I remember the kar though... coz i kept repeating that bit to myself)

This kar-man was a grumpy guy.. with a rather disgruntled face. He looked up at me "Khoon dena hai?" No interestingly enough, i am here to steal a few bottles. "Yes, i wish to volunteer for the drive happening"
Yes Vinod, this is the guy you should jhaado english on "Hmm.." Pointing to a weighing scale. Now let me present my predicament to you.. Behind me is this babe.. oh no.. not just a babe, a BABE... and she is eagerly observing my every action. And now, i had to stand on a scale!! So, i stood there.. I said "I'm 75 Kgs" Quick presence of mind saves the day.. kudos! "Aisa nahi chalenga.. khade raho..."
DAMN! I tried my level best to hide the reading with my toes (yeah, i know that wasn't smart.. but i panicked!).. 85 Kgs! I looked apologetically at the BABE. Meanwhile kar-man stuck out his hand like he was gonna shake it. I thought well, thats the least he can do.. After all I am donating arguably the most precious fluid in my OUCH!!! I saw him withdrawing what looked like a very questionable tack and then squeezing blood out of me. "Thats strange. Is this all they need? Ah, i was panicking for no reason" He dropped it into a solution and said.. "Udhar lett jao" "Nahi, mein theek hoon.. I can leave" "Arre yeh test hai sirffff"

So i knew for a fact now that the ordeal was not over. A doctor came up to me, "Nervous?" reading 'donating for first time :)' in my form. Oh no doc, usually when i wanna calm myself, i get people i dont know to poke 6 inch needles into me. But ego... " Nah! I've had multiple surgeries on me" Now just as i said this, the guy next to me, who had donated, rested and was now ready to leave, collapsed. Wow, seeing someone collapse doing what you are going to do does wonders for the heart beat. If you part of the medical fraternity, pls note this. The doc comes back, checks my BP "150! Itna high..." I'm like damn! I knew nothing good could come out of this. I'm sure my BP went up a notch or two just thinking of how many types of food i will have to cut down on, if i do have a BP problem. He made me lie down and asked me to stay calm. Yeah dude, didnt you see that guy collapse? Show me some more of that.. That oughta calm me! Bam! One more girl down... "What do you do to calm yourself normally?" Well, I dont donate blood for starters!! And i definitely dont lie on a cot that can barely support my wt.. He comes back after an age, checks and says "Now we ready to draw blood. You need a while? No? Ok." 'Draw Blood?' Are you planning to settle an old score? Did i hit on ur sister bro? Coz i didnt mean to.. Promise... He brought out that monstrosity of a needle again. After getting the blood pressure thingy tightly around my arm, he rubbed something into my forearm and said "Now, this needle I am going to put through here..." and bring out of my shoulder??!! Its too big. I was about to lodge a complaint about the size of the needle but i swear to God... that huge thing was in me in a flash.. Sucking out blood... Felt nice at that time. My right palm was sweaty and going numb... But i knew i was doing something nice. When i stood up, i didnt feel weak or giddy. I helped myself to biscuits and tea. Meanwhile, the puncture that monster sized needle made was still oozing blood. I went to the doc and showed it to him. "Its normal. You need to sit with this swab pressed against it... Hey in fact, since your bleeding hasnt stopped, how if we collect it in another bag? hehe.." "No doc.. I need to leave something for my manager..."

Donating blood was amongst the most satisfying things i have done.. and i am sure i will many more times. :)

Never MET Office..

I remember reading in the papers sometime in May that we will have early monsoons this year.. and coupled with lavish doses of the tide as well. I was one of the ppl stranded during the deluge and didn't want to be caught unprepared this time around. So i went out to the market straight to this shop that always is the first to come up with rain gear. As i watched ppl around me, i smirked.. "Smart chap VInod! You are sooo gonna be prepared.. and while all these guys look like bafoons when the rain catches them by surprise, you'll be nice n dry, going 'naanananaanaa' looking at them getting wet!! Haha SUCKERS!" I was armed with my list - things you need for a normal monsoon in Mumbai... Umbrella.. check... Windcheater.. check... Monsoon slippers.. check... Life Jacket.. check... Speed Boat.. check...

Well I must say, my speedboat and I have been let down by the MET department.. BADLY! Every forecast turned out wrong!These MET guys must be the most lousy with their luck. Ppl with such bad luck, that they'd fall off a plane.. bounce off a cactus, smash into a palm tree and then get run over by a camel stampede, inches away from a water reservoir! The only good thing about them is that their glorious track record notwithstanding, they are eternal optimists.. Thats one way to spot one of them on the road.. If the report says rain, and if some joker is carrying an umbrella and looking at the sky with worry writ large on his face, u can be sure, he was part of the grp that wrote it. And while no one cares for their el ninos and ninas, they work with a missionary zeal, to produce the most widely read piece of daily fiction known to man.

I think the rain-gods are having fun with these poor chaps. You know.. you travelling home from work, its really overcast.. that cool breeze blowing as well... and somewhere, the MET office fellow is scampering back to his office. Clearly, the 'bright and sunny with no cloud cover" has gone for a toss. Gets into his office, puts on his PC, types "possible light showers", posts it, begins to leave.. and then feels, look at the cloud cover, we gonna have a downpour that'll put Cherrapunji to shame.. So the guy logs on again, corrects his forecast to "heavy to very heavy showers". Smile on his face, he looks out of the window, winks to the skies, and leaves. "How smart am I!" he chuckles.. Now, by this time, the rain gods (and allied forces) are all over Indira's court, rolling in laughter.. Few of them are laffing so hard that a few drops of rain fall. (I counted 10 once, and then 4 the next day... The joke must be getting stale)

Forecast or no forecast.. I do hope it starts to rain... On the double. Hey you in the 'Rain Gods and other Celestial Beings Association', the joke on the MET guy is stale.. so can we have some rain please?

Patriotism....

Its always been heartening to see people around me being so patriotic. It fills me with pride to see that 54 yrs since Independance, people are still charged against the 'angrez'.. and true to the Indian way-of-life, we find interesting ways to achieve the things we set out to. Read on.. I'll tell you what i mean.

The englishmen were (and are) really proud of their language.. and the smart-ass Indian knows it. So the way we get back at them is we take their language, and make it bend over! I was in office some days back... This guy, face red with anger... highly animated.. was yelling into his phone "Yes, i am expecting!! Terko yeh delivery kal karna padega, kyunki me and the client are expecting!" Expecting? That explains why he is soo pissed. I'd have collapsed, not just been pissed, if i found out i was expecting. And throw in your typical IT jargon 'delivery' into that sentence and boy!! I dont know how the guy at the other end didnt laff. And this chap took the intiative to declare his client pregnant as well!! Well, guys do deliver kids these days, and i assumed he wasn't talking to his doc. But bro, if you were, i think he is pissed and is gonna have his revenge in the OT..

There are certain other gems that come out from time to time, and i happen to have the uncanny knack of being in the august company of these highly patriotic people. And amidst 'removing tickets' and 'returning back' i battle to stay er.. unpatriotic (only in this sense). I was to go with a colleague for a party he was throwing, and i was assigned the task of picking the venue. While discussing the budget, he says "Arre budget is a limit merko... Lets keep at 200 bugs per person" WHAT!! Dude, what is your plan? To take us to Ripley's believe it or not???!!! 200 bugs per person? Please count me out mate.. i think my apetite is gone! Another friend of mine, rocking chap, has 'packs' when everyone else is having pegs... And he says it with such authority, if it weren't for my confidence in the word, i would be having packs too..


Oh boy, so much written and no mention of playing with the pronunciations.. I think that should be reserved for another day.. Right now, i am watching the ad of Mrooti Steam and also, its dinner time now... So gtg

Serious Today...

As the fire inside me burns out, and then begins to die,
Weeping eyes surround me, askin You the question why!
Look at them they weep and sob, their tears upon my grave
And as they speak of me fondly, they call me loving and brave

My ears are failing me now, the voices come from afar
And my mind wanders into a delusion, my rationale losing power
I dream of happier times now, of no anger and no scorn
Of this delusion grippin me now, i am but a helpless pawn

"The lights mom" i cry out, "what or who is turning them dim?"
"You are closing your eyes on me son, u are going back to Him..
And the dreams you see beseech you, all joy soon at your feet"
And saying this she cries out, a heart wrenching weep

A lump in my throat i realize, i wanted to call out a name
But the demons of death are brutes, impossible are they to tame
As my eyes start closing slowly, my heart begins to cry
"Oh dear friend, where are you? I haven't said good-bye!"

My eyes, now dead, are closed... the voices no more there
Just a deafening silence surrounds me, and darkness everywhere
I pray to Thee forgive me, as my soul begins to rise
I see them all again now, n i see my own shut eyes..

From parents who have lost a son, their little bundle of joy
To an uncle who once gave his nephew, his favorite little toy
A friend, who was always more than that, weeps on my body there
And a few flock to show grief, when they really dont even care.

MSDed the Cup

I am amongst the unfortunate few to have seen the Blue Brigade getting battered into the Black and Blue brigade... N yes, the news channels are smacking their lips. I'm pretty sure that some of them were salivating at the mere thought of this... N now to have this happen, must be feeling orgasmic. Thats the really unfortunate part of cricket in India.. God one day, and god-in-reverse the other.

I really like the appear-disappear routine some of these er... 'experts' have mastered over time. Rohan Gavaskar for eg, dunno how he was pulled out of the deep freezer.. He still had frost on him as he spoke abt the debacle. It was hillarious to hear him speak of batting... shaking off the frost and shivering from time to time... and then mumbling "yeah, it was shoddy.. Look at my pa, take a lesson or two in scoring quickly!"

But watching them debate for a long time abt where India went wrong, i realized they have all got it wrong.. They are all overlooking some key pts, which I have picked up (hehehuhuhaha!!)

1. Hair yesterday, gone today
There was something abt Dhoni and his mane (and i dont mean 'men' from a gujju's vocab) that made him look like Conan the Barbarian.. and really.. sans his long locks he jst looks like a timid mama's boy, and even the cheerleaders fancied a bowl against him. I mean, the moment Dhoni got rid of his hair, he knew wat was coming.. He was soon bending spoons while an old lady bends a tawa, having running races with girls (and losing), skipping practice to be on Facebook and getting his tummy worked up with overdoses of Lays.. Now, i do realize that all this advertising is very much part and parcel of the game. But tell me, if it werent for an inckling of wat was to come, would he be doing ads for PSPO?? Huh? see the point.. Desperation! He knws his charm is gone and there aint nothing he can do about it!

2. Nike:
When the guys at Nike said they'd give us the jerseys, no one signed up to look like a bunch of ma-kis (can't say monkey, coz for some reason, monkey is identified as a human race, and hence is racist!) Other than species of ma-kis, i cant remember seeing anything... anything with a prominently bright coloured posterior... Part of the reason that the batsmen were in a hurry to get out was the constant giggling from square leg. After all, an umpire cant stay serious all the time! I remember seeing them the first time in that and laughin out "hehehehe! orange undies! and his trousers are torn!!!" and then to my horror, i found INDIA on that orange piece of crap, and worse.. THERE WAS NO TEAR!

3. Lashkar and ISI:
No, i can't think of the reason, but arent they always responsible for everything wrong that happens to or in India?

Now, real reason for the debacle is blah blah blum bumble bumble and also some more bumble bumble.. No one needs that! We lost and thats it!

Hmm... this blog felt like a warm shower on a cold winter evening.. Nah! i cant relate to that... It felt like having pani puri at Elco.. Oh, elco... yummm!

Once upon a time....

Umm... Never blogged earlier and starting to do so just makes me a feel a lil dull really... Not that i am the brightest around... But i'm rarely short of topics ... N now, this predicament... Imagine! 24 yrs of existence and not one topic with which i can open this blog.. Maybe its a writer's bloc.. No wait, i dont think i qualify... I need to be a writer for that first..

Working for an IT company has many sides to it... One the one hand, it helps India's population crisis with the liberal use of them lil boy-killers (lil boys aka cell propelled by a single flagellum, found in most animals).. The laptops... and if you are amongst the lucky ones who dont need to use a laptop for work, then the long hours will surely bust your back.. Well, thats a pretty good mechanism to control the population as well, if you ask me. But then, there is also money, the lure of an 'on-site'... Theres this guy i work with.. He joined this project i am in shortly after he was born and the first words the management spoke into his ears was onsite.. Poor chap... he's been slogging his tashreef off since.. Forget about going outside the country, he hasnt even gone outside Mumbai in the last 3 yrs.. lol... and its the same thing thats said to him everytime.. "Look, you gonna be onsite soon... so lets get this finished... and this as well.. and while you are at it, maybe u'd like to do a couple of back-flips for me and jump through this hoop as well"!! Poor chap!

I think this would do for a first post... And, to my only fan.. Pls keep in mind this is my first time... Oh my god.. tht sounds bad :).. okay anyway.. u get the idea...