Baked Beans

Now, i must apologize for posting another forwared mail. But fact is, this is sooo funny that by the time you get to the end of this, you'll be falling off your chairs... I strongly advise NOT reading this atop a tree or ladder ;)

Also, an apology for the rather er.. graphic descriptions here... And also, this should be the last forward I put up for a while. Here goes...

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating baked beans, my all time favourite.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the aroma of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'!!

I nearly died!!

______________________________________________________________________

V.I.Pees

There was a lot of activity in parliament over the past week with Chidambaram planning to review the security provided to VIPs. India has nurtered a VIP culture, where becoming a politician (in any of its flavous) gives you a lifetime of govt funded security.. Well, not so much govt funded coz all that money (atleast most of it) comes from our pockets.. Its shocking how so many people, of little or no significance get the best of protection.. Cops, commandos.. the works..

Circa Nov 2008.. I was touched when I read about Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan, who laid down his life for us... Pictures of him draped in the tri-colour while his mother, despondent and inconsolable wept her heart out, lurk in my memory, and come to haunt me often.. The valour and bravery of a man, from the most elite force in the country, was on display even as he breathed his last.. His death is a loss to this country.. Something i wished hadn't happened.. But sometimes... somewhere... deep inside i am glad he got a chance to become a martyr.. Because a brave Major like him dreams of laying down his life for the country.. And when he is instead made to run after beacon flashing vehicles opening doors and saluting people who have several criminal cases against them, his soul languishes... It is one thing to be pressed into service, protecting statesmen of repute.. And a totally different matter to be tailing politicians who are in politics to make money... There are countless other soldiers out there.. wishing that this humiliation of their skills ends and they get a chance to prove their mettle..

I was shocked when NDTV ran a programme on VIP security.. The number of personnel deployed for the secuity of some politicians defies all logic.. Like Shivraj Patil, for example, has more than 200 personnel deployed for his security.. If the 200 of them stand in a circle around him they'll cover half of Kalina... Now I can understand such a large number of personnel to protect someone like Jayalalitha, because of the much larger expanse (hehe!).. but this chaps lanky! Anyway, 200! and the government spends upto 50,000 on each one of them a day! Even Varun Gandhi has 30 guys protecting him, and all he had to do was to rant and rail..I have a hate speach handy.. And any time i feel threatened, i'll just scream it out at Shivaji Park and get 30 of my own!

There is also He-who-must-not-be-named-in-Mumbai who gets the best security for beating people black and blue, torching vehicles, and generally putting up a strong display of gunda raj..

Our man Chidambaram though has refused cover.. despite the fact that this review of VIP security means there are some 430 really pissed VIPs (Out of whom, 200 have little or no threat at all!) gunning for his head.. He seems to back himself to fold his mundu in half in a nano second and put in a 100m sprint that'd put Usain Bolt to shame in case any of these 430 decide to act on their anger...



PS: Got all the figures from here: http://www.ndtv.com/news/india/govt_reviews_security_for_vips.php

Blog Award

It was a regular day at work.. which means i was bored, sleepy and eagerly looking out of the window hoping for a downpour that'd put 26-July to shame... Just so I can get out of this 'Hell with flourescent lights and centralized AC' i call office... With nothing better to do, i logged onto FB from my 'cell'..

Nupur Bhayani wrote on your wall

Umm.. Maybe i need to write something more about Aanchal I thought.. How much more can i cook up...

hey ive given u a blog award.... pls chk mine to accept it!

I havent really got any awards, and my trophy cabinet closely resembles Ajinkya Rahane's... So, understandably i was ecstatic and almost threw my mouse skywards in celebration... But whats a 'blog award'? Maybe she's on a panel or something.. Last i checked, she was a student, a blogger, a short story writer, a novelist, a poet.. All rolled into a pocket sized edition... And i was sure there was just about enough place to squeeze in a panelist in there as well..

I logged onto her blog to find the grand trophy awaiting me.. ... ... ...

A picture
An unpaid appearance in Sach ka Saamna and
An assignment to cough up 10 blogs i read...

10!!?? I read only one - mine!!

To quote from her blog...

...list down 10 truths about yourselves and pass it on to 10 different people...!!!

...and your wish will come true on the 3rd day of the next month.. Or else you will face bad luck for 3 yrs... ;)

So anyway... Here are 10 truths about me.... Well, more like 10 things that popped into my mind, which are true..

1. I am an engineering student from Vidyalankar Institute of Technology.. Not Vidyalankar Classes, but IoT... and no, thats not doing engineering 'private'...
2. I am the 3rd most lazy person.. After Mr. Breathless and Nupur that is... (she's given me an award for cryin-out-loud... Yes, that is an award! Anyway, the least i can do is not contest what she has to say about being lazy)
3. I used to dislike meetings.. Now i hate them!
4. The intelligent, attractive, beautiful (non 377-ers) ladies go weak in their knees when I am around
Darn... I can NEVER EVER pass that off as true, can I!!
so...
4. I love my music and listen to it for 4 or 5 hours a day... (No wise cracks here)
5. My hindi is pathetic and my english just about reaches the level of a 3rd grader... Conversations with novelists and umm.. Aanchal-ists have me reaching for the dictionary once every 29.93 seconds (on an average)
6. I hate my job (much like Chandler) but luckily don't need to stare at an ANUS (thats Annual Net Usage Statistics for the uninitiated) I have to stare at a person who is trying his very best to put me to sleep...
7. I love cars, which is only way to explain why i drive an Indica Diesel... (which is a brilliant car, if you planning to buy it from me..)
8. I started to blog because Aanchal thought i could write well and i wanted to prove her wrong. Well, so far so good.
9. I laugh and find reasons to laugh, coz i look better laughing than sulking...
10. I really appreciate Nupur picking my blog amongst the millions of other better blogs she reads...

Now, i don't have 10 blogs to put up here... So i give out 4
1. Timepass Of India - amazingly funny.. reminds me of my style of writing.. hehe
2. Aanchal - A wonderfully honest and refreshing blog.. wait.. or was it insightful and poetic?? Never mind, this ones from the heart.. Good stuff!
3. Nupur - (dunno if i can give this back to her... but anyway...) some of her posts are a little too long for me.. but she writes the best opening and closing paras ;)
4. Keshava - a total mixed bag this one.. posts range from urdu poetry to failed attempts in the kitchen, both of which i dont understand...

Congrats winners.. It was a bit by default, but then i read only the best :)

English to Hindi Conversions

This is something i read on the net.. but its really funny, and i decided to share it here....

English to Hindi Conversions

Haven't you always wondered how "Americanisms" would sound like if they were translated literally to an average Indian on, say, the streets of New Delhi (or elsewhere)?

Have a nice day! ----- * Achcha din lo!

What's up? ----- *Uppar kya hai?

You're kidding! ----- *Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!

Don't kid me! ----- * Mera bachcha mut banaao!

Yo, baby! What's up? -----* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?

Cool man! -----* Thandaa aadmi!

Don't mess with me, dude.----- * Mere saath gandagee mat karo, ek hustee.

Check this out, man! ----- * Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!

She's so fine! ----- * Woh itnee baareek hai!

Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?----- * Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?

Hey good looking; what's cooking? ----- * Hey Sundari; kyaa pak raha hai?

Are you nuts? ----- * Kya aap akhrot hain?

Son of a gun.----- * Bachcha bandook ka.

And the best one is.....

General Body Meeting.... ----- *Saamanya Shaaririk Milan

C ya folks... -----(Dekhte hain doston) &

Keep in touch...... ----- (Chhoote Raho.....)

Ridiculous displays of idiocy

The last month has been great for the idiot box.. It has taken idiocy to a whole new level, which leads me to believe that idiotic is the way to go(which would explain a lot i see in office off-late)! Take that item girl getting married show for starters.. I don't know why they have a show on air showing us stuff we already know - that she doesn't mind being bedded by a guy she has only just met (and that some guys would go to any lengths for it), and that she can't act.. and in case you haven't seen the show yet, PLEASE DO.. At least once. There is this fat guy.. mid to late 30s.. with a paunch.. and what looks like a receeding hairline hosting it. And i kid you not, his expression reminds me of a daily morning chore.. which went awfully wrong.. add to this her melodrama when she is asked about her past.. Melodrama that would easily put one of those (flopped) movies from the 1940s to shame and what you get is a headache larger than the hosts paunch! Hey Ram!

I think the only greater source of melodrama than her are those telugu/ tamil movies that are aired on Set Max! They manage to take it to levels the written word just can't capture.. Its like they challenge her to be more melodramatic, and the moment she matches them, they just take it to an all new level and mock her from there... Much like the Roddick-Federrer game... Anyway... Talking about discarded celebs, there is a whole bunch of them who have been ostracized. I think the plan was to dump them in a jungle and flee.. But some producer went like "Wait a min.. How about a quick buck? Why not have a show on this? Lets see whats needed.. Sets? No need.. Sex appeal.. Yes, we'll make them bathe in the open... But how do i get returns on this? Of course, the batheing beauties will bring in the moolah.. And I'll get Mini Mathur and an over excited failed stand up comic to host it.. I'll make the celebs eat worms and have snakes crawl up their trousers for laughs. That oughta make me feel good anyway.. And perverts will watch the show!" (Here i need to add: DISCLAIMER: I watched the show only outta curiosity, and since i am not a cat, its pretty safe.. blah!) He imagined a lot of drool worthy stuff, as young celebs bathe in the open... Their wet bodies in the skimpiest of batheing suits.. But the guy who selected the celebs just spoilt it for everyone i tell you.. For what he gave us was Palak and Fiza, and a bunch of candidates for 40-plus capsules.. Palak batheing in a.. hold your breath.. swim suit, with her fat hanging off the sides.. is a strong tool to counter the popularity of swimsuit calendars, and can at best, turn on a mboscodictiosaur.. And Fiza strutting around, like she were 20 again, the less said the better.. The producer prolly gave Mr. (in) fidel cast-ro a free hand thinking young girls in swimsuits can never be a bad thing.. well Mr Producer, we now have evidence that you were, in fact, wrong! And Mr. Cast-ro, 40 isn't really young you know...

In related news, all the female folk in the jungle (which includes some species of monkeys, apes and all the female adivasis there..) are keeping a safe distance from the camp.. I wonder why though.. Why are they sooo scared to tread near the celebs? Let me see that list of names again.. Akashh Deep Saigal, Aman Verma, Marrr.... Aah!! No wonder...

The Mighty Nano Happiness

10th July 2009.... Definitely amongst the most beautiful days of my life... My sister gave birth to an angel, whom i call Nano... I came up with the name Nano when I first saw a video of a sonography my sister had got done.. and boy, Nano was the best way to describe her then (Not that she is a Khali clone right now.. hehe..).. Tiny lil thing she was back then, floating around in my sister's womb.

Nano gave us all a scare, altering timelines and jumping out before schedule.. Thankfully my IT background allowed me to deal with timelines that change dramatically... And though i think that her decision to jump out came from anxiety and excitement and eagerness to meet her maama (to my angrez friends, maama is Maternal Uncle), i think she missed the plot a little, coz she spends an awful lot of time sleeping. She does wake up from time to time though.. And thats the time you should see her.. She is THE MOST interesting company you could have.. I remember chatting with her about the challenges she will have to face as she grows up, and she nodded at the end of my monologue... Here is some of it

Me: Nannnooooo.. Aee Nanoooo.....
Nano: Ubbauua
Me: You are chuch a beauchiful girl, hai na? Maama's nano na? (Damn! Whats wrong with my pronunciation???!!!")
Nano: Ubbauua
Me: Mama needs to have a word with you... Growing up now is tough though.... Er... Ever heard of an article 377?
Nano: uwaaa... (cries for a moment)
Me: Dont like the judgement huh? Good...
Nano: Ubbauua.. Naaeeccc (I think Naaeeccc is baby-ic for Nah!)
Me: I hope you getting what i am talking about
Nano: (Moves head up and down)

Now, if this is not sign of genius, what is? A 2 day old baby who is having a conversation, is well informed and is opinionated!! I think she has taken after me.... Coz she is cute, lovable, forever hungry, knows a good drink when she sees one and every girl in the room wants to kiss n cuddle her... umm... ok maybe not the last bit... but you know, she is much like maama and is maama's lil girl.. Ah, thats where the genius comes from as well i guess..

It was fun after i had taken her first ever picture.. My mom was looking at the picture and commenting
"look at the face structure... Just like Deepa (ma' sis)"
and my bro-in-law's moms like
"Look at her... exactly like Satish"
"Oh the eyes are like Deepa"
"Look, the chin is like satish!"
"Even the chin - exactly like deepa"

Both were oblivious to the other's comments and my aunt was standing bisecting these two grandmas, thouroughly confused and not knowing which side to take, lest one of the them get emotional or get down to blows... Me, well, i KNOW for a fact that looks like a very feminine version of me.. And no one (dares) argues with that :)

Right now, nano is living the life...
She drinks (milk... Interestingly enough, pepsi and stuff aint that cool right now)
She throws tantrums (she is my bhaanji, but hey she is a girl as well.. and this practice will help her some day to make a guy bend over backwards for her... So, she is in the right hands! I mean, my sis will be a wonderful mom and that sentence is to be read in isolation...)
She plays (mainly with her mama, others may stay and watch) and sleeps... Thats pretty much it!

Angel she is.. Angel! I love her

PS: Fan #1: You can give me the 'I-TOLD-YOU-SO' routine.. coz i love her soooo much, and i even dared pick her up... :)
Fan #2: Umm... If you haven't figured out yet, i have become a mama, and a congratulatory message on FB is the order of the day..

IT Meetings

Its 9.30 AM on a Monday and the steaming hot dosas i had for breakfast have kicked in and my eyelids seem to be putting on weight. I am, of course, in a meeting.. and if you are even somewhat familiar with the concept you would appreciate that of all the things you can do in a meeting, sleeping is not one of them. Especially when there are only 4 attendees. So I am looking straight at the chair of the meeting, and thinking, Wow! this is soo not a good time to fall asleep.. But i need to do something to stay awake. Maybe i should give my body bursts of 'eyes shut' time.. Coz really, sleeping is all about blinking reaaaalllyyy slowly... But how? Umm.. Be natural Vinod.. Thats the key... Blink slowly.... Yes... Oooh.. feels so good to have my eyes shut.. Is my manager looking at me? DAMN! DAMN! HE IS.. ABORT SLEEP.. EYES OPEN.. NECK STRAIGHTEN UP!!! SAY SOMETHING!!!!


"Aila!"

Something related to the discussion Mr. Einstein!
"I mean.... Ai.. I love this approach" Brilliant!
"Ok, then you take ownership for this task"
NAHEEE!


Meetings have such a soporific effect.. and the degree of sleepiness is in direct proportion to how much trouble you will get into if you do sleep. But just to clear the air for those with a non-IT background... And to my IT brethren, I am sorry i'm letting out this closely guarded secret.. But when an IT chap is having a meeting, he is either rambling on about something others dont care a donkey's tashreef for or is doing what i described in the opening para..Basically, he is killing time.

Again, i am in a mood to share with my readers today.. So, here is a glossary of IT terms, commonly heard in meetings, and what they really mean.. You will find it handy if you are serious about one of these meetings...

1. Take a call
Usage: I had to take a call and......
This phrase is used to convey that i know as much about the topic as i do about the Economy of Somalia (About which, you can read here... :) ) and the decision making was based on the time tested Inky Pinky Ponkey method.... and here the 'Father' in question is mine, and i am his only child. Hehehe..

2. Discuss offline
Usage: I think we should discuss this offline
This is the ultimate shield available to a speaker during a meeting... Once the speaker says this, you can be sure that he has followed the link above and that he is indeed more comfortable discussing the economy of somalia than your question.

3. Take ownership
Usage: I have taken a call on this and Vinod, you take ownership
Yeah, n go where? Anyway..
This means that you are the official scapegoat... You will soon realize that the hair on the back of your neck can sway as your manager breathes down it. And when the task is finally done, you are given the chance to applaud the visionary who assigned you this task. Brilliant!

4. Doosre way mein present karna...
Usage: Ruk.. shayad tumko clarity nahi aaya.. mein doosre way mein present karta hoon
Here the doosra, much like Murali's, is something no one follows, and finally, look like jokers trying to make sense of. The speaker doesnt know what he is talking about, and any questioning of this doosra will incur the 'Discuss offline' from Pt. 2



Hmm.. there is only so much i can document.. the rest need to be experienced.. LIVE!


PS:I think that this is amongst the most brilliiant pieces of text i could have put together... coz i have so effectively conveyed the sleepy nature of meetings that i am sure that most of the readers are already asleee...zzzzzz...

News hour @ 10

So i was home early today and was feeling a little too lazy to get up and do something productive. My dad was watching one of those News Hour @ 10 kind of program. Hosted by NDTV it was i guess, and the topic for the day was the minister slapping the bank manager.

It is amazing how the media can discuss (or disguzzz from my mallu roots) something that took less than a second to execute, over a span of an entire hour. I mean really.. Here is what transpired... Only i have this shocking and exclusive audio footage.. Oh crap! I think I have ODed on news channels today!

Min: You give loan

Mgr: No

WHACK!!!

Mgr: Boo hoo

Min: Hehehehahaha

That’s all.. and yet they have their panelists in place, the anchor looks like he has been called by loan recovery agents, the same slap is being shown over and over again.. Lest people forget what a slap looks like. And i kid you not, no matter which news channel you follow, whatever be the topic, you have those few fixed stereotypical panelists:

1. Mr I-stepped-on-crap-expression (iSoce) - This chap is disgruntled. Whether you discuss Pamela Anderson, the Chandrayan mission, or the Maid-in-India case, he is always whining. umm.. Maybe whinny the pooh would have been more apt...
With Pamela, this dudes like 'Oh no.. She is always in a bikini'

Well, if a guy can complain about that, there ain't much he can't complain about.

2. Mr. Shout Indian - He just shouts.. It doesn’t really matter if anyone’s listening, or whether someone else is talking. I am sure pulling him off air is not an option.. If anything, maybe the intensity of the shouting will increase... Probably why this chap is never in the studio.... Smart asses these media guys are I tell ya!

3. Mr. Jeeves - Well, as the name Jeeves would suggest, this chap is all class and decorum. He never speaks, except for taking the name of the presenter much like this "Arnab... Arnab... Arnab... May i spee.. Arnab... Mr. Shouter... I think you should let me.. Arnab... Mr. Shouter May i please...."

4. Mr Laffs a lot - This chap contributes nothing, and is really there to entertain himself. What he does is spark off a fight between iSoce and Mr. Shout Indian.. and then all he will do is look into the camera and smile.. and smile some more when Jeeves is on the brink of tears.


The ring master in this hopeless circus of intellectual dimwits is the anchor. And again there are three types here:

The first type doesn’t know what is happening around him, and can’t control the fight. He barely keeps the panelists from coming to blows with each other, and speaks in a meek voice.

The second type is the cop – he controls the fights and no one gets hurt bad.

The third type shouts louder than Mr. Shout Indian… He works with CNN-IBN and ruptured his ear drum in a stint he had co-hosting with Rajdeep Sardesai.